By Nadeem F. Paracha
1. Asif Ali Zardari is the devil incarnate.
2. The Pakistan Army is the saviour.
3. The Taliban are resisting American imperialism.
4. We hate American foreign policy unless it suits us. We are against American imperialism if it means we have to ditch the Taliban as that would be against the aspirations of our founding father, Mohammed Bin Qasim. We will no longer shop at Marks and Spencer because they are somehow connected to Israel. However, that does not mean we will switch off our computers and cell phones whose chip technology has been made possible due to major contributions from Israeli scientists.
5. We don’t want to sell our honour for American money unless it is for our private hospitals, textile exports, NGOs, or for completing degrees at American universities.
6. It’s not just Zardari who is the culprit. It’s also Benazir Bhutto and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. Fatima Bhutto is fine, though; she is dating George Clooney.
7. It was all milk and honey till Bhutto came along. Damn him for nationalising my father’s 15 mills, seven textile units, and 11 banks! I still remember the good old days when Nani ji, Dada ji and their friends brought hundreds of textile licenses from Gohar Ayub for US $ 200,000 a pop. There was no corruption and no labour unions until this Sindhi feudal and closet Hindu agent named Z.A. Bhutto came along and enforced his Zionist agenda and made all our urban serfs so uppity.
8. We are against feudalism unless the feudals in question do not support the PPP and allow us to rape the ecology of Sindh and the Punjab on our weekend hunting trips. Some crates of mangoes from their farms also help.
9. Some of us feel we know what’s best for the PPP, i.e. to banish Zardari and his kids and ditch the legacies of ZAB and BB. We have never voted for or supported the PPP (actually we never vote all!) but we still feel that we are in a better position to understand the party’s dynamics.
Also, as educated, refined and objective leaders and captains of industry, we are against dynastic politics. However, we are fine with Fatima Bhutto, Hamza Sharif, Solaiman/Essa Khan, Monis Chaudhary as well as the privileged alumni of Karachi Grammar School, Aitchison and Pakistan Military Academy, Kakul, ruling us. Just as long as they are not descended from the Zionist agent Benazir and her corrupt husband, Zardari.
10. Democracy is a deeply flawed system that has destroyed the world. Totalitarian monarchies with entrenched security and bureaucracies are much better and in line with our Arab origins. Please do not compare us to India. We have nothing in common with them except our DNA, culture, cuisine, language, music, and geography.
11. Our ideal form of government is the modern day Caliphate, or, as we like to call it, the rule of technocrats. In this form of government, our posh uncles will pass stern orders in their clipped Oxbridge accents and Italian suits that will be supported by a medieval council of jurists whom we like to call the independent judiciary.
12. Lately, we have been reading some Chomsky, Klein and Zinn (all five articles) and appreciate how these believing Muslims provide us with the intellectual ammo on exposing how the perfidious Jews conspire to rule the world.
13. We are essentially a good people who are suffering because the world wants to take over our nukes and is conspiring to destroy our country. They are using the Taliban, who themselves are essentially good people who are bravely fighting American imperialism.
The Taliban just suffer from bad press, and we know who controls the press abroad. Here, the press is controlled by democratically elected anchors and media analysts who are fighting for justice and against corruption.
14. The Taliban who are killed in the drone attacks are simply pious Muslims who are doing charity work, such as digging canals in arid, mountainous zones – it’s called the Mars project.
Also, the burning of Christian villages by Taliban affiliated and state-sponsored sectarian militias is a figment of the imagination of the liberal fascists. They are doing their best to curb crusaders of truth and justice such as Geo TV. The real problem is Blackwater/Xe, fools.
15. The Taliban are an expression of Pushtoon nationalism as they have done their best to cleanse the United Emirates of Peshawar and FARTA from pagan Pukhtoon influence. The Taliban are a legitimate resistance movement against the occupation of the United Emirates of Peshawar and FARTA by ANP, Shia parachinaris, Sikhs and, of course, female students. The only genuine Pathans are Imran Khan, Hamid Gul, and Zaid Hamid.
16. Sipah Sahaba, Jaish, Lashkar Taiba, Lashkar Jhangvi, Jamaat Islami … who the are they? Figments of the imagination of liberal fascists. We should be more concerned about the Ahmed Rashids, Kamran Shafis, Amir Mirs, Arif Jamals, Najam Sethis, Tarek Fatahs, Irfan Hussains, Pervaiz Hoodbhoys, Fasi Zakas, Ayesha Siddiquas, and Nadeem Parachas.… They are CIA agents.
17. India is stealing our water and is destroying the country via its Sindhi/Balochi/Pushtoon/Gilgiti/Hazara/Hingora/Makrani/Seraiki proxies. Damn this fifth column riff-raff. We brought them the glorious Islamic civilization from the latest Nasim Hejazi novel and look at how uppity they have gotten since. We gave them commerce (Gujrati), language (Urdu), and agriculture (Punjabi) and they still want to maintain their identities and celebrate their vernacular religious practices which our pure Arab background forbids. Feed them to the Taliban.
18. We, the members of civil society, are essentially a liberal lot who are imbued with socialist values. Our ability to engage in massive socialising (through Facebook) makes us socialist in the true sense of the word. Lately, we have also dabbled in Marxism at cafes where we blow off half a month’s average national salary on lattes and cappuccinos whilst we construct our neo- Marxism around the tacit acceptance of the Taliban’s superior Arab cultural identity. We salute Abul Ala Marx, Lenin Bin Laden, and Mulla Mao!
19. These are difficult times for civil society. While the tyrant Zardari is destroying the country with a ‘progressive agenda’ (another Zionist conspiracy) that involves legislation about women’s rights and the enfranchisement and autonomy of minority provinces, our brave and independent judiciary is fighting a Herculean battle to free the champions of our true Arab identity like Hafiz Saeed, Maulana Aziz, and Masood Azhar. These tireless crusaders are fighting our battle against Hindu hegemony in Pakistan. We need to applaud the efforts of the Chief Justice of the Lahore High Court in exposing the Hindus.
20. As Zardari loots and pillages Pakistan via the nefarious use of his handle bar moustache and cheery demeanour, we have to appreciate how our Taliban investment is saving our economy by killing thousands of our citizens and costing billions of dollars in damages and lost investment and trade opportunities. We are a financially and arithmetically gifted segment of society that can expand US $66 million to $1,500 million if it means that we can lynch Zardari (and free Aafia).
21. While our existential adversary India is investing billions of dollars in Afghanistan’s infrastructure and municipal training, we are using our billions to create the ultimate strategic depth in Afghanistan: macho Islamist brutes who will eventually recreate the Islamic State that made Afghanistan the model of peace and prosperity from 1996 till 2001.
In conclusion we would like to part with a speech from one of our greatest representatives, Zen Farman Wamid, which he made at the historic Dillee Kebab House. The topic of this grand speech was, “Today Dillee Kebab House, tomorrow Delhi Fort”:
“Assalamualaikum, my dear and superior Muslim Pakistanis. By the grace of God, I am proud to announce from this wonderful kebab house that we are now ready to invade India. This invasion has taken a lot of planning and effort by my young upwardly mobile comrades and for this we would also like to thank our friends in the electronic media and inspirations such as Yahya Khan and Ziaul Haq.
Dear muscular Muslim boys and petite Muslim girls, I had been planning this invasion for a very long time, even before my blessed birth when I was just a spirit floating over Pakistan – even before Pakistan was made. My spirit swooped down when it saw the great Muhammad Bin Qasim invading Sindh and defeating Hindu scoundrels as well as Mohajir, Sindhi, Balochi and Pakhtun nationalists.
We will vanquish them in the Islamic Emirate Caliphate of Punjab … I mean, Pakistan. Damn those who say that Pakistan was made in 1947. That’s a lie, I tell you. It was made in the seventh century, when Kalashnikov Bin Qasim, Allama F-16 Iqbal, and Inzimamul Haq defeated a million-strong army of that secular tyrant and usurper Raja Bhutto and his side-kick Mohindar Singh Dhoni and announced the creation of the Islamic Caliphate of Punj … I mean Pakistan.
So wake up, Pakistan, and let’s invade, loot and plunder like those great Muslim leaders, Mahmud Ghazni and Mr. T.
My next address to you all will be from Delhi Fort and anyone who disagrees is a traitor, a Hindu agent, or a student of the Peshawar University. Allah Hafiz! Punj … I mean, Pakistan, marhabba marhabba.”