Dedicated to Hameed Gul and Nadeem Farooq Paracha
By Raza Habib Raja
The political spectrum in our country is polarized between two extremes: patriotic conservatives and the liberals. Both these extremes are often in complete conflict and accuse the other of naivety and even fanaticism. While conspiracy theories of the rightwing are well known, I have seen that liberals are not at all far behind and churn out their own conspiracy theories in which they try to absolve the PPP government of everything under the sun. Following are the “pearls” of wisdom uttered by both sides.
The Patriotic Brigade
1. We are patriots and love our motherland like hell. We are macho and believe in jingoism. Our favorite terms are: Islam; nationalism; traitors; baigharat liberals; strategic location; CIA; Mosad; RAW; corruption; and independent judiciary. Of course those who do not agree with us are traitors or liberal fanatics.
2. Liberalism is an anti patriotic philosophy and has the sole aim of westernization and thus weakening of Pakistan.
3. The entire world is united against Pakistan because we have the nuclear arsenal for “peaceful” purposes. Although critics say that it is a crude copy of Chinese technology (which itself is of low quality) but since our engineers copied it therefore it is our pride.
4. Do not give us this nonsensical argument that Pakistan ranks low in development indicators like education, transparency, health etc. This is propaganda to deviate attention from the security of nuclear arsenal. The western funded NGOs and few sell out journalists are trying to whip up these useless issues and link them up with the nuclear technology. Since we have the nuclear bomb, we do not need stupid stuff like high education, better health and poverty reduction.
5. All what is happening right now, from BB’s assassination to daily bomb blasts and even renaming of NWFP to Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, is a grand conspiracy to break up Pakistan and get hold of the nuclear arsenal. Obviously for a traitor like you, such “truths” are conspiracy theories. These are not conspiracy theories, these are hard facts. All arm chair patriots like us know it.
6. The blasts which are openly claimed by Taliban are not carried out by Taliban. Actually these are carried by “bad” Taliban which have been planted solely to defame good Taliban. The real objective is to create a conducive environment to purge our prized possession: the nuclear arsenal.
7. Democracy is a deeply flawed system and it brings only corrupt people into power. The mandate argument is nonsense as people are idiots with no clue about what is good for them. Pakistan does not need rulers who are eventually accountable to unwashed poor illiterate masses. We need a strongman with Napoleonic tendencies who can forcefully keep the integrity of Pakistan intact and can launch a massive crackdown on the only corrupt people in Pakistan: the representatives of those illiterate masses.
8. We do not believe in independent judiciary. We believe in the executive judiciary. Since politicians are the only corrupt people therefore judiciary should also assume the responsibility of direct rule (of course it is pretty close to it but there is still room for further ‘improvement’). The ideal set up should comprise of a central executive committee comprising of core commanders and Supreme Court judges. Maximum efforts should be done to ensure that these are accountable only to themselves and not to illiterate masses.
9. Pakistan’s problems of the past 62 years, particularly of corruption, are mainly because of Asif Ali Zardari. Do not give us this rubbish argument that even if the cases are true they pertain only to the period of 1993-1996. Zardari was responsible for corruption even when languishing in jail. Of course for a liberal fanatic like you this is beyond comprehension.
10. Baluchistan is a part of Pakistan and moreover it provides us with the natural gas. How are we going to run our generators if it becomes more autonomous? Pakistan is not responsible for the problems there. Indian conspiracy coupled with the deeply entrenched tribal system is responsible for everything in Baluchistan. Are we responsible for the tribal system there? Stop this nonsense of provincial autonomy. We know that under the guise of such slogans, the chief objective of so called liberals is break up of Pakistan. Do not give this rubbish argument that we should give Baluchistan more royalty for the use of their natural resources. Natural resources are only for Pakistan. Any ways, what good the increase in royalty is going to do to Baluchs? These Baluchs should be taught a lesson like Bengalis and this time the action should be harsher. Of course sissy traitors like you will think otherwise.
The Enlightened Liberals
1. We are liberals. We are more enlightened and educated than all of you. Our favorite word is reactionary which we keep on hurling at our critics when we are in a tight spot. Apart from that, the other favorite terms are: evolutionary democracy; complex geo politics; deep underlying currents; chattering classes; Zia’s children; and Punjabi hegemony. Of course since you do not completely agree with us, you are a reactionary and a closet conservative.
2. While we shout the need for self introspection for middleclass at the top of our voices, that however does not apply to us. Why? Because we are perfect and have complete understanding of this complex geo political landscape. Our understanding is deep and common sense logic cannot be used to comprehend it. So please do not try to understand our seemingly incomprehensible jargon because reactionaries and closet conservatives like you do not have the capacity to understand deep underlying currents of ever fluctuating complex geo politics.
3. We are more progressive and therefore think PPP should NOT discard the legacy politics. You see it should be ruled by a clan just like monarchy. The concept of transitional leaders based on grass root democracy is flawed and is not suited for Pakistan. Do not try to draw analogies with the West. West is West and different from us. Now please do not tell us that democracy also is a western concept. The problem with you is that you are a reactionary, have grown up on drawing room gossip and therefore your mental faculty to understand such complex “realities” is grossly inadequate. Moreover since conservative parties like PML (N) are also shaping up for a “brilliant” dynasty rule, why should the progressive parties be left behind?
4. Although we are proud of the fact that PPP is different from conservative parties, however we do not hesitate to draw parallels with them where we are in a fix. So thanks to Hamza Sharif, Bilawal is perfectly justified and moreover we are of the opinion that he should nominate his (still unborn) successor right now to avoid “confusion” and resulting breakup of the party.
5. Apart from legacy politics, we are also silently grateful to the conservatives for their amazing conspiracy theories (which we decry publicly). These conspiracy theories are like a template for us to weave our theories which aim at absolving PPP of all the allegations and attribute everything to the usual suspects: establishment, Punjabi chauvinism, middle class mentality etc.
6. Zardari is not at all corrupt. He is totally innocent of all the charges. Do not come up with a half hearted defense that if he is corrupt so are others. Only others are corrupt. The Swiss courts are also wrong as they have been fed bogus evidence. Legacy of Bhutto has to continue and PPP should be ruled like an absolute monarch by him till Bilawal grows up. You do not understand the complex dynamics of PPP, therefore shut up.
7. Words like competence and good governance have been invented just to vilify PPP. These concepts are deeply flawed and are at best abstract notions divorced from the complexities of realpolitik. There is nothing wrong with the party. Stop this rubbish mantra that the party needs to improve as its mistakes are strengthening conservative forces. PPP is perfect and all criticism is just a grand conspiracy of the establishment to desecrate the only representative of the masses. Of course establishment is being aided by naïve reactionaries like you.
8. Lawyers movement was a grand conspiracy of the establishment aimed at maintaining its status quo. Although people filled up the streets, got their heads cracked open and literally forced the government through popular protest to reinstate judiciary, we still maintain it was only a media hyped internet revolution supported by only reactionaries. Now do not give this nonsense that Asma Jehangir, Ihtizaz Ahsan and various parts of the civil society supported it. These people are either naïve or closet conservatives. You see it is too complex which drawing room gossip mongers cannot understand. See now the judiciary is becoming over indulgent, which shows that lawyers’ movement should not have taken place and judiciary should be totally subservient to political interests.
9. Do not give us this nonsense that lawyers’ movement started during Musharraf’s time and the present judges even faced wrath of armed forces for standing up. We are saying it that it was grand conspiracy of the reactionary forces to target PPP and progressive forces only. Yes we know that Benazir also supported it selectively and never publicly opposed it. But there was a deep logic behind her moves. Sorry but there is no point in explaining this logic to you as your cognitive abilities are severally restrained by your reactionary orientation.
10. Although Judiciary in its initial verdict asked the government to ratify NRO from the parliament, which the PPP could not due to lack of support, we still say that it is war against people’s representatives by the sinister forces of establishment.
11. If a party calls itself secular, it is absolved of all the excesses. It should get the license of target killings, extorting money, burning people alive and holding an entire city hostage. These are not crimes, you moron. These are natural manifestations of deep paranoia which has its roots in the Zia era. Look you won’t be able to understand it. The violence by MQM is not violence. It is too complicated for Zia’s children to understand exactly what it is. Only we understand it. Ok, end of the argument.